FInding Yourself

Finding out who you really are is something that everyone has to go through at one point and time in their life. You find out who you are by being tested to show what you truly believe in. Some have to find out who they are really early, others, later in life. I started trying to find myself earlier in life and now I still don't know who I am or what I believe in. I just can't seem to figure it out.

I remember when I was about 13, I was tested to see if I have a testimony in the gospel. I wasn't sure what I believed. I had grown up hearing that it was true and that's just what I accepted to be true. But I didn't have that reassuring feeling that it was the one and only true church. I thought at the time I knew that everything was true... but now I am confused more than I ever have been.

I don't know how to find myself. Part of me just wants to give up and just let whatever happen, happen. But then the other part is telling me that I just need to keep trying hard and that it will all pay off in the end. It's like the Relief Society lesson yesterday... Patience. I just need more patience. But it is so hard because I really just want to know now who I am and what I truly believe in.

It really has just kind of hit me that I don't know what I believe in. I don't even know if I have a testimony anymore. I just keep telling myself that I'm being stupid because I know it is all true because that's what I have always heard. But yesterday I remember hearing a girl bear her testimony. She started out by saying something about how if you don't repeatedly share your testimony it starts to slip away. I think that is so true. I think I have just been scared and have been burdened with a lot of different things that my testimony has slipped away. And now I don't know how to get it back or even if I want it back.

I feel like I know what I need to do in order to get it back. I have a lot of changes to make if that is the case. But if I decide not to try to get it back then I don't have to change at all. But now I don't know what to decide or how to make that decision. I mean I don't even know if praying will honestly give me an answer. So if I just pray about it, I don't know if an answer will actually come.

Deep down I know that choosing to gain my testimony again is what is right. I think I just get caught up in all the little things of the world and let them start to control my life and the way I think. Now I need to set out a plan of how to get back onto the straight and narrow path and stick to that. There are a lot of changes that need to be made.

I think this is me starting over in finding out who I am. I hope that when I find where I belong and what I believe, I will be happy with it. I am going through a hard time, but in the end it will all pay off. Its like what President Brigham Young once said:

"This life was designed to be a test-- A test to determine if we want to be a part of the Kingdom of God more than anything else... God never bestows upon his people, or upon an individual, superior blessings without [first] a trial to prove them."

Frustrations

It seems like everything goes wrong at once. Or all the frustrations we have come up at the same time. Why? Why can't everything just go smoothly? Why do we have to go through this living hell? Some days I just want to give up because I am just sick of everything!

Towards the end of the semester everything was going wrong. No one was getting along and everyone just wanted to go home which is understandable. I thought when I got home that everything would be so much better. I mean I was going to be with the people I love the most. Looks like I was wrong. Everything is so messed up. And it has been for a while but I just didn't notice as much since I was away from home for the year at school. Now that I am back home I can't wait to go back to college and get away from everything.

The first problem is definitely not having a job and not being able to find one. I have gone around picking up applications, filling them out, and then dropping them off. What does that get me? NOTHING!! It makes me so mad! It was nice being able to relax for a few days and not have anything to worry about but now I need something to occupy my time! I can't stand being here at home all the time. It is driving me nuts! So as soon as I find a job that will relieve a lot of stress..

All of these frustrations are just getting to me that I have such a hard time. I have been on the brink of tears ever since I've been home. Its been that or so angry that I just want to punch something. I wish I had somewhere to run to. Somewhere to go to escape it all. Or someone to run to. I have Ammaron but I have to wait for his letters and I always feel like I am burdening him with all my problems. He says its not a burden, I just can't help but think that. I miss him so much. I can't wait for the day that he comes back and that I can just give him a huge hug. That boy has helped me in so many ways. I know he came into my life for a reason.

Hopefully these problems will be resolved so that I can go back to enjoying life. I just need to have patience and keep turning to the Lord for help. Through him, anything is possible.

Time

Time is an interesting concept. It is always the same amount, but some days it seems to go by fast whereas other days it seems to drag on. But there is always 86, 400 seconds in a day. It never changes. 

I've been at home this weekend to celebrate my birthday and Easter. It is weird to think I've been on this earth for 19 years now. It seems like it has not been that long at all. I changed my background of the blog for a few reasons. One because I just love that picture! Photo credit goes to Katie Fife. I love it. Partly because it was taken in Richmond. Another reason I changed it is because I was looking for a certain type of look. I was looking for one that gave a certain feeling or reminded me of this feeling I get sometimes. And I think I have found it. It always makes me feel solemn and helps me remember things. Which works for the blog since this is my "diary". Its helping me remember certain things.

Jacob was able to come home this weekend. It has been four months since I've seen him. It has been great seeing him. It doesn't feel like it has been that long at all but then time seems to trick us. 

Courtney and I got to go to the second session of General Conference on Saturday. Definitely one of the most uplifting, spiritual experiences I've ever had. It was great to see those wonderful men in person and be able to feel the power of the Spirit when they walked in and talked. It will be one of those experiences I will never forget.

Time goes on... It never stops. It brings so many new experience. Hopefully they will be ones that I will always cherish. But I know that some times it is going to be hard, but I'll be able to take something from those experiences. I want my time here on earth to be something special. I want to learn all I can, I want to have fun with friends and family, I want to fall in love with someone that I can be with for all eternity. I love knowing that I will be able to take everything I've learned with me to the next life. It is very reassuring. 

Missing

Yesterday I finally got another letter from Ammaron. It made my day so much better. It is crazy how much that boy can brighten up my day. It is hard not having him so close and not being able to talk to him whenever I feel like it. It is hard waiting for the next letter to come when things come up that I just want to share with him. I just need to write him more and tell him what's up. But at the same time I don't want to do that because I do not want to distract him. All I know is I miss him so much! 

Why do we miss people? Why does it make us sad when we do not see someone we are so close to for a long time? Why does Heavenly Father put people into our lives just to have them leave us? 

It is so difficult. I just want to constantly be with those that I am the closest to. Leaving Virginia to come out here was so hard. I lived there for 12 years of my life. I had so many close friends that were always there for me. But I had to leave them. If it had just been for school it would have been easier, but with my family moving out here to Utah as well there is a chance I will never see those people again. Then here at school I get close to many people, Ammaron for example, just to have them leave me. 

Heavenly Father obviously puts them in our lives for a reason. But can that reason really be meant for a short period of time? Did they come into our lives for just a few months for one purpose and then have to leave? It is hard to wrap my mind around it. 

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.. It has no survival value; rather is is one of those things that give value to survival. " -C.S. Lewis

All the friendships I have made have definitely helped me survive all the trials that have come up in my life. Without some of my friends, I don't think I would be where I am today. The best friends I have are my family. They all support me in my decisions and they are always there for me. It is so great to have that support system. I know I am far away from them and I miss them constantly, but it is great to know that they love me even from a distance.

Heavenly Father is my best friend. I know because of Him and His son, Jesus Christ, that I have gone through some of the hardest times just to rise out of them and become a better person. I know when I feel as if no one else is there to help me that I can turn to my Heavenly Father and receive the comfort so I can continue to go through my life.

Missing people is one of the hardest things in life. But if we focus just on how much we miss a person, we will miss out on all the other people that are sent to help us or need our help. We just need to keep going through life one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time, one second at a time and just look for all the good in life instead of dwell on the bad.

Coming Home

These past two days sure have been eventful. I ended up going to McCall's house Saturday night because she was going to drive me down to school the next day. I was going to be down by her anyways so we figured it would be easier that way instead of driving down again the next day. I had so much fun with her! I love that girl so much. She is one of the few people I feel super comfortable with. I feel like I can talk to her about anything. It is so great.

So the two of us were just goofing off all night Saturday. It was so much fun! I loved talking with her mom and getting to know her better. Same with McKenna and Blake. They are such a great family. When McCall and I were downstairs trying to go to sleep, Blake came down and started talking to us and we were up until about 2:30 just chatting. It was great. I felt a little awkward talking to Blake just one on one at first but it got better as we kept talking. He actually asked me out on a date. But it won't work out. The funny thing is that on McCall's and mine car ride down we started talking about that and we ended up texting Blake seeing who he thought was the cutest out of her friends. In the end we finally got it out of him that he thought I was the cutest and he was interested in me. I honestly don't know how to take it. It was just way weird. But whatever.

It is so nice to be back here in Cedar. I know a lot of people absolutely hate coming back, but I love it. I mean it is my home now. It's like Daughtry's song "I'm coming home. To the place where I belong." I honestly feel like Southern Utah University is where I belong. Its where I am needed. I don't know why, but I'm sure I'll find out as time goes by. I love driving into the city and seeing my town. It is one of the best feelings in the world. Like I know that is how it will be when I go back to Virginia, but it will be slightly different since VA isn't my home anymore. All I can say is that I love being in my home!

Third Grade

This morning I woke up early (for spring break) and got ready and went to school with Gabrielle. I went yesterday afternoon and fell in love with her class. Those little kids are so adorable! I have had so much fun with them these past two days. I had to leave early which made them sad. They were all like stay for lunch and then second recess. I almost don't want to go back down to school because I would love to stay here and go play with them every day!

Part of me wants to change my degree to education so I can become a third grade teacher. If I got to work with little kids like Mrs. Walton's class. But I know I am supposed to go into nutrition. Maybe I can help schools pick nutritious foods for the kids to eat. That would be so great!

Giving up my time to go play with theses little 8 and 9 year olds has been exactly what I've needed. It makes me think of what Bishop Julian told me a few weeks ago. If I lose myself in helping others I will find the happiness I need to keep going throughout life. And with that happiness I will be able to get through the hard spots.

Oh gosh! Those little kids are just so darn cute! Cole is absolutely adorable! I just want to take him home with me! Or he can just be older then I would date him. ;) Then all the little girls just crowd around me wanting my attention. It is too darn cute! Gah! I have only known them for not even a day and already I love every single one of them. It makes me want to have kids and have them go into the third grade and see all their cute little friends. 

The Beginning

This blog is not meant to keep others updated on my life. It is going to be more of my journal. I want to be able to record all my thoughts and feelings down, but I am not good at keeping a journal. Hopefully this will prove to be a better way.

I just finished reading The Last Song by Nicholas Sparks. It is by far my favorite book I have ever read. Sparks is an amazing writer. I can't wait to start reading more of his books. This one has such a strong message in it. Don't ever let things get in the way of what is most important. While the book is still fresh in my mind, I think about what I am not looking at that is of most value. Is it family, school, love, God... What is it? Maybe it is a little bit of everything. I don't want to waste my time worrying about the little things in life. I want to find out who I am and what my purpose here on this earth is. 

I named this blog "The Beginning" because I feel like it is the beginning of something new in my life. It may just be that I am better at keeping a journal or it might mean I am starting to find myself. It makes me think of the song "The Call" by Regina Spektor. The lyrics are:

It started out as a feeling

Which then grew into a hope

Which then turned into a quiet thought

Which then turned into a quiet word

And the that word grew louder and louder

'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back

When you call me

No need to say goodbye

Just because every thing's changing

Doesn't mean it's never been this way before 

All you can do is try to know

Who your friends are as you head of to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon

and follow the light

You'll come back

When it's over

No need to say goodbye

You'll come back 

When it's over

No need to say goodbye

Now, we're back to the beginning

It's just a feeling and no one knows yet

But just because they can't feel it too

Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger

'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back

When they call you

No need to say goodbye

You'll come back 

When they call you

No need to say goodbye

So now I feel as if I am back to the beginning. And its this feeling that only I have. Whatever this beginning may be for, I hope I can figure it out and do my best to succeed. It is peace and serenity I feel. I think I recognized the feeling by reading The Last Song. It might be that most of it takes place at the beach. To me, the beach is a sanctuary. A place I can go and know that I am in tune with everything. By reading about it I feel as if I am there, hearing the waves beat upon the sand while the seagulls fly around and I look out and see the magnificent colors in the sky as the sun sets. That is the reason I chose this background. The harbor. It makes me feel as if my beginning is starting there, at the place that gives me the most peace and comfort... the beach.